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Our Monogamification
Ancestral hominin monogamy may have resulted in our extinction. So why is there currently so much moral value and emphasis placed on monogamy? Previously published on Medium.
7/13/20264 min read
One person. That’s it. Just The One. Monogamy is defined as being married to/having sex with only one person at a time. Scientists posit that human evolution toward monogamistic tendencies was developed to ensure the procreation of lower-level males in a primitive hierarchical system. While monogamy has been maintained as the socially accepted norm, why do so many people fail at it?
Some humans are wired to be sexually greedy (except for some: I see you, my acey babes) and those greedy of us who operate as such have to work at monogamy. I strive to understand the practicality of a social construct that entails spending the rest of one’s sexual life with only one person. Experts have classified three types of monogamy: social, sexual, and genetic; and some of us already know that we have no business attempting any or all of the above.
Humans, like most earthly organisms, are fueled by biological imperatives. Eating, drinking, sleeping, and sexing are the survival mechanisms our ancestors excelled at, and that is why we’re lucky enough to be here. I wouldn’t be writing this if even one of my predecessors had failed at any of the above. We eat different foods and we drink various drinks, so why is it considered evolved and correct for us to limit our sexual appetites to be satiated by only one person?
Directing all sexual affection toward a sole recipient takes conscious effort. If it didn’t, the institution of marriage wouldn’t be the bastion of monogamous love that we recognize it to be today. That signed piece of paper is traditionally designed to lock us down into our singular love. Luckily, getting married doesn’t leave people blind or dead. Because if the subconscious can fantasize about and desire others, then in monogamy, the body must refrain from indulging in the lust laid bare by our imagination.
Our prehistoric ancestors sexed basically any and everyone they met. Analysis of ancestral hominin sexual behavior also indicates that Neanderthals and the Denisovans from my little slice of the world (hello, Southeast Asia!) had the tendency to mate with practically everyone, illustrated by the increased diversity in the region. Our ancestors were a bunch of promiscuous horndogs, and thank goodness they fucked around the way they did, because where would we be if they hadn’t?
According to a study conducted at the Karolinska Institute in Stockholm, genetics, specifically a portion of the gene RS3 334, impacted how men bond with their partners. It’s important to recognize that in a monogamous structure, it’s not only men who step outside of the bounds of the relationship. Is this indicative of the impact heredity has upon monogamistic tendencies? Could it be possible that people who engage in polyamory are simply genetically wired to do so?
Could it be that our prehistoric proclivity toward promiscuity is a tendency we inherited, and can it be overridden? If so, how could monogamy be considered a natural process if some people have to consciously override their potentially inherited tendencies in order to remain within the rules of their relationship? It feels like asking too much for some.
Admittedly, my beef with monogamy isn’t beef at all. It’s more of a fluid curiosity because of the current moralistic preference for monogamy over polyamory (consensual, ethical non-monogamy). Polyamorous couples give each other the space and permission to socially, romantically, and sexually enjoy other people.
Polyamory is a healthy compromise for those who reject the parameters of traditional commitment. As a former staunch commitment-phobe, (I couldn’t even commit to adopting a puppy in my twenties), I found that polyamory was much easier to navigate because falling for someone deeply under open circumstances felt much less likely. When I met my husband, I was at the height of my anti-relationship phase. He was only supposed to be a one-night stand. Until he became a weekend fling. Now, we’re a whole life thing.
Naturally, I offered him an open relationship. Since the beginning of our life together, my emphasis has been on the experience of my love feeling like freedom, and I was surprised when he chose differently. Gone were the days of my drifting like a feather from experience to experience, yet strangely, I was content with our preferred arrangement. Monogamy has been an unexpectedly pleasant and fulfilling endeavor. I didn’t expect to have such a pleasurable time directing all my eros to a single human being.
The glorification of sociosexual loyalty places so much weight and pressure on loving The One person. To some, the mythical existence of a single soulmate is often utilized as a bludgeon with which to elevate the importance of monogamy. If humans were naturally monogamous, why do so many partnerships and marriages end because a person cheated?
Some of us have enjoyed the energy and affection of many soulmates. The soul is inevitably enriched when it has connected with multiple people on an energetic level. One of life’s greatest pleasures is the fleeting joy of indulging in that which we desire to consume in another.
Polyamory felt very much like a sociosexual all-you-can-eat buffet. It was fun while it lasted, and it was precisely what was needed to satiate body and soul, but it wasn’t sustainable on any level. I admire people who are able to engage in healthy polyamorous relationships over the long term.
On average, polyamorous relationships last around eight years. From my observations, some enjoy the theory of polyamory but are unable to commit to its principles due to issues with jealousy and possessiveness.
Like every other relationship, the success of polyamory depends on mutual respect, communication, and reciprocal space. Whether a connection is monogamous, polyamorous, promiscuous, or asexual, our interpersonal connections are meant to enrich our lives, bring us pleasure, and help us become our best, most loving selves during our brief time on this gorgeous little floating blue dot.
You're worthy of pleasure.
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